Thursday, April 12, 2012

i want
not the wings of angels
i don't want 
to walk anymore
my feet are
the colour of my path
the earth
does not tempt my
feet any more

i want
the days of water
of rain
tearing through my skin
seeking blood

i want
the flight 
of the wind above 
a monsoon sky

i want

There must be some kinda way out of here

it cant all be desolation. it cant always be a test of my patience and of my ability to persevere. it cant always feel like my life has changed into something i dont fit into. how old is too old an age to go about finding one's own identity?

i dont know how much longer i can bide my time or let my life take its own course. the control freak in me is raging at me for letting this happen. the superstitious crazy in me is finding a sign or an omen every minute. the whimsical hippie flower child in me has nearly died.

ive also realised, as i am writing this, that i am obsessed with age. the concept of it and the appropriateness of it. the changes each passing day can bring to a person. in the past few months i think ive aged mentally a lot. i also feel like i have regressed to a time and age that i once used to protest about. it makes me uncomfortable to think that i have become the person a younger me would make fun of. but the younger me was also immature. but i loved that immaturity. i deeply regret not enjoying that immaturity when i had it. i miss the freedoms and the conflicts and the foolish struggles of a few years ago.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

don't love a wild thing

it was 5.00 a.m. when he woke up to the situation. Even asleep, he knew it wasn't natural for him to feel feathers against his skin when he pulled her closer into his arms. He was pretty sure he was still dreaming when he opened his eyes to her wings and that was why he didn't scream immediately. Even barely awake he didn't want to embarass himself when he was with her by screaming just because he had a bad dream.

Slowly however, he realised that no amount of trying to wake up was making the wings disappear from her shoulders. He had always noticed the way her shoulder blades poked into his chest when he hugged her, it was one of the things he knew about her body that he didn't think others did. It dawned on him that he actually was awake and that the feathers were protruding in some shape or form from her body and that was when he got out of bed quickly. And as he stumbled out of bed, he woke her up.

She blinked at first and then looked confused as she realised that he was looking at her strangely. Like he was scared of a whole lot of things, simultaneously. She tried to turn and once she found out she couldn't like she did always, in bed, she sat up. She seemed to slowly feel her own back and the burden weighing her shoulders down. She tried to think of another time when her body had confused her by changing overnight and she thought back to her adolescence. It all made perfect sense to her, now. This, her body had done before. Of course she had grown wings. It probably meant she could fly and as she looked out of the window into the rising sun, she rose to test out her theory about flying. She opened the window and sat on its ledge, like it was the most natural thing to do and then, her eyes clouded in concentration as she tried to move her muscles and flutter her wings. She heard him yell and scream in fear as she pushed herself off the ledge and then she was off.

He could think of many, many reasons to be angry about and to curse at. He was angry with himself for being a coward and for being the one to wake her up. He was angry with every poet or writer on earth who had compared women to angels and butterflies. Clearly, those idiots had no idea. He was suddenly disturbed by the recollection that she liked to sleep naked on most nights and he couldn't remember what she was wearing when she flew away. Then he was angered by the fact that it shouldn't matter to him anymore. She had literally left and he had been unable to stop her. He had no idea if she would even return and he found it all funny, suddenly.

He willed himself to get a drink of water and then he pushed himself to sleep on the living room couch. He didn't really know when he had fallen asleep but when he woke up, she was straddled across his back, her face pressed against his shoulder, her leg weighing his thigh down. He was about to leap out of her touch, when he remembered what had happened the last time he had done that. He tenuously felt for her arms around him and saw with relief that the hem of her nightshirt was pulling at her knee. He wished he could reach over and see if her wings were still there. He didn't want to take chances with waking her again, though. So he decided to wait it out and listen to the sound of her breathing as she lay asleep and within his reach.


ps: a dedication to you.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

take me back

I always thought of cities as having personalities, i just never thought cities could behave like people do, sometimes.

When I left home and moved bases a few years ago, it was based on the assumption that I could come back whenever i wanted to. I moved to Mumbai and the city, she resisted me. Some things came easily but the important ones (a comfortable work life, friends, the absence of loneliness) came after I worked for those things. Every day spent in Mumbai in my first year there, I spent all my time convincing this new city that I loved her and that she could love me if she wanted to. That I couldn't promise her that I would stay forever but that I would try and make our time together work. I communed silently with her as I travelled in cabs on the hot, humid roads to and from glass buildings. I sat by Worli Seaface and Marine Drive and told her she was beautiful. i forgave her her temper on the days that I had to go to Andheri in the rains. Like all Mumbaikars, the city made me feel comfortable without making me feel welcome - till she felt she could trust me.

I fell in love with a boy from Calcutta and Calcutta behaved with me exactly as I expected the boy's mother to behave with me. I wanted a warm embrace and a great bonding from the first moment. Instead, Calcutta welcomed me with a smile and a cup of tea. But she told me that if I expected more love from her, I needed to prove that I wanted to be family to her and to her son. She made it clear to me that I couldn't expect to visit like a girlfriend does her boyfriend's apartment, without overstaying my welcome at some point. When I finally went as a bride to Calcutta, I felt that the familiarity I feel in my hometown. I know I can go back to Calcutta whenever I want to now. She won't mind. She'll even take me shopping and help me plan my time there.

But Bangalore. Is testing me now. I left her once before and now I am back but she's letting me know that I have to win her over this time. I can always come back home but I will need to find my place in my hometown again.