Saturday, October 02, 2010

wanting to be some other place
at a different time
someone else's desires
laying the path
who does not want to be
a vagabond
unchained by direction

what else could i be/ all apologies

i'm fairly adaptable on most days. i used to be a coffee addict till i moved to mumbai. i cant stand too much of that stuff anymore and prefer tea even when i'm at home now. i stopped reading poetry once i discovered that beyond tagore and a other obscure writers its difficult to get your hands on good poetry. i took to reading prose and, lately, am starting to consider even reading up on stuff online "reading".

all good and everyone around me benefits because every group always needs that one person who is agreeable to most of the plans others make. this is not to say that i do not make plans or feel the urge to do some things. its just that more often than not, if an activity involves more people and most people are not up to it i will give it up and settle for someone else's plan. i dont know if so far, any of this makes sense but anyway.

this is costing me now. i have found that mostly due to my own faults i have found myself having an identity crisis at the age of 24. a girlfriend who is mostly delighted with her relationship but is called upon to behave like a wife at times and like a nobody at times. a colleague who thinks it is essential to arrange work pressures around the social schedules of everyone in the team. i know - so far i have made a most excellent martyr of myself. and this is where the problem is. i am passionate about the idea that i should never feel like i am sacrificing something or that i am a victim. i know the vicious cycle of martyrdom - resentment - unpleasantness - guilt - giving in - martydom - so on, a little too well.