wanting
wanting to be some other place
at a different time
someone else's desires
laying the path
who does not want to be
a vagabond
unchained by direction

what else could i be/ all apologies

i'm fairly adaptable on most days. i used to be a coffee addict till i moved to mumbai. i cant stand too much of that stuff anymore and prefer tea even when i'm at home now. i stopped reading poetry once i discovered that beyond tagore and a other obscure writers its difficult to get your hands on good poetry. i took to reading prose and, lately, am starting to consider even reading up on stuff online "reading".

all good and everyone around me benefits because every group always needs that one person who is agreeable to most of the plans others make. this is not to say that i do not make plans or feel the urge to do some things. its just that more often than not, if an activity involves more people and most people are not up to it i will give it up and settle for someone else's plan. i dont know if so far, any of this makes sense but anyway.

this is costing me now. i have found that mostly due to my own faults i have found myself having an identity crisis at the age of 24. a girlfriend who is mostly delighted with her relationship but is called upon to behave like a wife at times and like a nobody at times. a colleague who thinks it is essential to arrange work pressures around the social schedules of everyone in the team. i know - so far i have made a most excellent martyr of myself. and this is where the problem is. i am passionate about the idea that i should never feel like i am sacrificing something or that i am a victim. i know the vicious cycle of martyrdom - resentment - unpleasantness - guilt - giving in - martydom - so on, a little too well.

come down from your throne and leave your body alone

'm on "leave" and am home.

mostly, the world has stayed the same since the last time i was here. people have also mostly stayed the same, plus or minus a little bit of cynicism. as for me:
- plus of cynicism and hope (which is not technically possible but still);
- plus a few more kilos i think;
- minus a certain quantity of the desire to return to my routine life (yes, i did want to return to my mumbai routine keenly earlier);
- inter alia

from the wars against disorder/ from the sirens night and day...

ask yourself "who'd watch for me"...

because
the lips are soft,
as they form patterns in the air
even as words are spoken,
the words must lay
gently upon his eyes

he blinks for a second
blinks a little longer
wonders if the burden
of her wishes is too much
to carry

on his brow

she runs a fingertip

he rests his forehead on her hands
a little
rests a little longer

soon, the world
will want them to play parts
for now, everything is just alright.

i see the angel and the devil in your heart/ i confess either one is my addiction

attempts at creating a new blog fail miserably. there are parts of this blog that dont go together, really and the control freak in me wants to revamp it all and categorise.

i will go back to looking at the sky pouring down to the sea now.

blue

there are two kinds of bloggers, broadly speaking. those that write to express opinion, entertain and be witty/ caustic/ intellectual. and those who think of their blog when life seems... unbalanced. i'm, of course, the latter.

this living, this living, this living

was not the plan. there is too much money around me, and not enough. everyday, twice a day, i'm reminded that it can all be taken away. there is a wall around my conscience, very little makes a difference. even through this, life, as it is happening to others, breaks me sometimes.
people are marrying and dealing with adversity. others are losing the path of their lives and will need to rebuild it at 50. as i write this post, laughter crashes against the walls of my room. i know that it will not always be easy, like it is tonight, for the people around me. i dont know how many of us have the strength to take it as it comes.
and everyone i know wants an out. or the option for it.

freedom's just another word/ for nothing left to lose...

we have all chosen to leave the permanance and stability of blood ties and relationships to build new ones based on flimsy, occassionally fanciful premises of friendship and affection. i want to believe that there is love, too. the attitudes i grew up with are not right anymore. pretentiousness is necessary. i need to learn to make myself one cup of coffee and not wait for everyone else in the house to want one. or wait for coffee time.

people are strange/ when youre a stranger/ faces seem ugly/ when youre alone

i need to know that for a while now, there will be no mornings of washing the house front, rangoli and the smell of wet earth, jasmine and fresh coffee. the everyday romance of it all may be impossible to achieve again. this is an idea ive held on to for ages now. a memory of waking up to this.